Christmas never felt so basic
It feels more like a commemoration than yuletide, that I just “observe” than celebrate. I feel like a Chinese in a foreign land. I mean Christmas is meant to be the holy grail of holidays, the utopia of festivities, a time when the fun factory is in high production. But lo, I sit in my room, without the need for food nor drink, or bells jingling or christmas songs playing in the background, but just my laptop and a pressing need to write. However, I feel though, a simple kind of Joy just knowing within me that its the time when Jesus Christ was born.
Instead of childish, unbridled excitement, like the feeling that comes when you wake up to a beautiful decorated Christmas tree in the middle of the sitting room with gifts underneath and toppling over, and the simmering smell of Chicken stew cooking, red wine on the table, hugs and smiles and “Merry Christmases” floating around; this season, I feel completely different, alone but not lonely, wiser like a sage, secure, quietly and reflectively happy. I feel like one of those US marines that fought a hard year on the front lines and can finally go home for Christmas, congratulated and rewarded for a battle well fought, a battle won.
I think this feeling stems from the experiences I faced this year. 2018 was a tough year, so tough I can’t even start to explain the the things I saw, the bruises I bore, the battles I faced, the lessons I learnt. I have come to realise that over the course of my life, I have been protected or shielded from the harsh realities of the outside world. Everything had been handed over to me on a platter and when all that changed, I discovered that Life is in fact so much harder than I actually imagined it to be.
The most instructive example, On the 4th March 2018, I got into a serious car accident that almost cost my life. I crashed my company car(drunk driving), totalled it beyond repair when I flipped it 4 times landed it upside down, almost falling into the sea. After almost losing my life, I had to lose all my money by using my life savings with help from my dad to repurchase the car. Also, my family finances took a downturn which cost us our house and created a lot of pressure
This same 2018, I slept in a police cell twice, got slapped by a soldier- effectively tearing my eardrum(had to pay 35,000 for treatment), got into a street brawl twice(its annoying how nigerians always turn a fist fight into a bottle breaking fest) and lost 300k in a bad business deal. This year alone death poked me 3 times, whether I was drunk driving, entering into a dangerous fight or just resting on my laurels almost choking in my sleep.
Honestly, I saw things this year. Due to my new line of work, I had to travel a lot to different kinds of environment where I witnessed poverty, suffering and pain. I went into uncharted Nigerian territory where greed, myopia and scarcity sat as a cloud upon the people’s minds, people slitting each other’s throats just to get a share of the resources that spring from the land. I saw the strong take from the weak, the rich take from the poor, the unfairness in the world and nobody doing a thing about it.
A third world country in full bloom.
Patriotically speaking, I saw how Corruption and bribery so confidently waltzed across and around the gamut of every corner of the Nigerian public and private service, the police, the court of law, the Army, customs, the Tax agencies, the Seaport and airport staff, the politicians, the public servants whether at ministerial or at the grassroot level, the local governments and the private institutions and parastatals. I saw how people reap without sowing, the powers that be, how they steal without conscience in broad day light and watched as they were praised and celebrated. I never realised it was this bad.
All these experiences generally and personally, generated fear and pressure like I’ve never come across before, unprecedented. A fear that we might just never progress as a people, of fruitless struggle, the fear of making wrong decisions, the fear of having to take responsibility for my life, the fear of confronting those things that I can’t understand, the horror you feel that you might live and die without actually leaving a dent on the universe. I saw this fear quite clear also in the eyes of the fellowman, I heard it in their voices as they spake, I saw it in their actions, their decisions, their beliefs, the fear most Nigerians face. Perhaps the most interesting thing I discovered is that this fear doesn’t just fly into a vacuum, but demons exist, who actually feed on them, recycle them, control them and profit from them.
How so plagued is my motherland, that everyone so badly needs to escape her bosom, to find peace and solace elsewhere, to be relieved of such platonic stress?
But on the bright side,
In the midst of the chaos, I experienced several personal epiphanies. I wouldn’t just call them lessons learnt, but more like paradigms shifting or eurekas. In the midst of people’s pain, suffering, confusion and fear, I beheld truth. I had a sense of the imperfections of Life, like a pendulum, that a thing shortly after can become its opposite.
Fresh Knowledge flowed as I went through this phase, thick veils lifted off my eyes. I witnessed growth and maturity that ushered me into a novel take on life. I learnt a lot this year and perhaps I have read more voraciously and listened to people much more than I’ve ever done before in my life. I have made not just a lot more acquaintances but quality friends, people that actually do care about me and love me. I witnessed people fight physically and trade blows on my behalf, I had people help me and take care of me when I was down and under and when I felt discouraged they picked me up with words, phrases and tenets of assurance that I will never forget. I have a better idea on those worth fighting for, living for, the ones i should direct my resources to.
Perhaps the most powerful paradigm shift I had this year is a value that I have heard and seen many times but never really hit me until now. When you have a close call, nothing knocks you harder than the realisation that LIFE and good health is the most important asset that you possess. For the first time in my life, I have consciously become aware that I am actually alive, in good health. The oxygen I so effortlessly inhale, and the blood that soaks my bones, a beating heart and a brain that is functioning well enough are things that I have become suddenly, inexplicably grateful for. It is one thing to be alive and it is another to be intellectually aware that you are actually alive, hale and hearty.
Based on these experiences, I have also discovered that Love and hope are indispensable principles for effective and happy living. These are qualities that are unflinching In good times and bad times and they stay practically the same wherever, whenever. These trying times have especially brought my family closer than ever before. We have become a close knit, cohesive group, motivating each other when one is down, picking each other up with encouragement and love. Perhaps I never realised how much love my family had for me till this year.
Just yesterday my mother said to me “I promise you son, that even if I have only 5000 naira in my whole life, I will split it into 2 and give to you”. She never told me that before and if she was rich as she used to be, with millions of Naira stashed in her coffers, she wouldn’t have gotten a chance to tell me that.
A similar episode occurred three weeks back, when I got into a street fight and my sister literally ran out with her arms outstretched, into the middle of the fight, begging them to leave me alone as i was surrounded. Unknown to her, she got caught in the crossfire, but after the incident I asked her if she remembered getting hit, she said No.
I had to stop myself from tearing up.
These are probably the greatest two things I have learnt this year. That no matter how fucked up things are, If you have life, you have hope; if you have love, you have light. If you have health, you have strength and faculty of mind, faculty to think yourself out of any particular problem, faculty to work hard, pray and hope. And if you have love, you possess something so powerful, something that God and nature have put in place to ensure the advancement of the human species, probably the most focal thing we need to progress as a human race, an important success Ingredient. Perhaps that is why, If you love someone or something so much, you will do all you can to ensure it succeeds, to ensure it doesn’t die.
If you have love and life, you have all you need.
If I mention every single experience I’ve been through this year and the lessons I drew from each experience, I would have to divide this into 10 different articles. Its amazing how much I have learnt and assimilated; that habits not choices make your destiny; that you should worry only about problems that you can control; that the slow one now will later be fast and the loser now will be later to win; that Work is our only sanity; that practice is solely pursuit; that reality stems from human imagination; that happiness is not the ultimate goal, but the joy of touching other peoples lives; that a thing and its opposite are two different sides of the same coin; that money is truly the root of all evil; that anything that can kill the living, can surely raise the dead; that green grows from the earth, beauty comes from dirt, and life comes from death.
I read, I listened, I made music, I wrote, I designed this blog. I started a business and closed it, I registered a company, I deep dived, I laughed, I cried. How much I have known, grown, how much each experience has shaped me into a better stronger human is something too bulky and complex to explain
So as I ponder on how less exciting this Christmas is, I feel something more internal than external, a new found sense of innate calm and confidence to face the future knowing that I can effectively harness the powers of life and love. Although fun, I’m not really craving the whole Christmas feel- hampers, financial blessings, “christmas cloth”, trees, or tasty chicken stew or presents and the like. Instead of external excitement, I feel something more steadfast, a joy more sturdy, calm and unspoken, a strength that emanates from having the principles and qualities to face the future, a sense of appreciation that everything happens for a reason and whatever that fails to kill you can only make you stronger, wiser and better prepared.
I’ve never been more prepared to face life than I am now. I feel emotional mutation, a conviction that whether good or bad, I can make it. Whether my parents are there or not, I can survive on my own and even take care of them, even if the world comes to an end, I have love, peace and a sound mind. I have an internal locus of control, to be able to influence from inside out and not the other way round, to be able to block all distractions and focus intensely on the things I can control and distort my own reality.
I never thought I will be happy even when in back breaking debt, homeless and without a clear chartered course for the future. But here I am, feeling this way I’m feeling on this eve of Christmas, without any fear or trepidation but only with a rock solid personal assurance that I’ve seen and been through stuff, and I think Im gonna be OK.
Its a great feeling indeed
So when other people like to begin a new year with a title or with a resolution, or a tagline “My year of success”, “my year of focus”, “my year of personal growth”, I prefer to tag the year only at the end thereof. 2018 was a tough, interesting and instructive year for me, a period I had to battle with the harsh realities of life. And as I reflect, weighing upon that which I feel on the inside, I think I have won. I now realise that the toughest battles to win are the internal battles, because there’s a inexplicable feeling you get when you are able to win your inner battles. I have to win within before i can win without.
And yes, these victories changed my mindsets and shifted all my paradigms.
Hence I can say, it was “A paradigm shifting year”
With all the life and love within me, I wish everyone A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR. May you win all your battles!